The Bleak-End

Yes I know the title of my blog is "how do you say?" Well Bleak, but I hit a wall. I'm having a hard time with keeping all of this up, and juggling these new changes. Dieting, and working out. I haven't been drinking at all, enough to discourage right there. I've been eating better for about two weeks, maybe closer to three, and i was feeling better, and my overall outlook was extremely positive. Now I'm on workout 6 of P90X, and I am losing it. Maybe because I am sore, and have to keep working out through it, that my body is fighting it so hard. So this past weekend was pretty rough with the working out, I was getting discouraged, and something is up with my tail bone when I try to do sit-ups; it really hurts.

Well I persevered, and even though i was using a yoga mat, it still hurt. So I tried my sofa cushions, and I was able to complete the ab exercises. So I found a way (A minor victory.) So I had a rough end to the week, it happens. I had no beer, no fatty foods, barely any of my loves bread, potatoes, and noodles, but on the same note I haven't had time to indulge in healthy foods I like. For example: squash and zucchini. So I intend to satisfy a craving with zucchini lasagna this week, with a side of baked zucchini maybe. Sounds good never had it, but I'm open-minded.

I was doing way better when I was being creative with my meals. Instead of always eating chicken with lettuce combinations. Yeah it tastes good and I'm content. And also having to try to make a healthy meal from meals cooked at home filled with starches. It's better if I'm able to cook my own meals, in that way I can have something delicious with out having to worry about what harm it's doing to my body, and my progress. Now I'm just trying to fight the physical pains as well as the hunger pains. It's a constant battle, but I intend to win.

Oh I almost forgot I nearly violated the cardinal rule: Respect the Sanctuary. I had late night cravings on Sunday night, and the night before coming home very late (from doing some demolition to a bathroom, and some carpet in my folks' house that they are remodeling) I bought a box of protein bars. Now this was a south beach diet cereal bar, best I could find at CVS. So I ate it after my workout which ended close to midnight. There was one problem it's EFFING delicious!!!! So as soon as I finished it I wanted another one, but I fought it and forced myself to bed. Then the Sunday night I had a craving for one, but tried to resist. Then before I knew i was shoving one in my mouth I had all kind of reasons and justifications. Now was it really so bad that I had a 140 cal. snack at 11:30? I don't really know, but it didn't stop there. After that I ate a banana too. The problem here was that I told myself not to eat it, and ate it anyway. I had no control, but in the same sense I'm lucky all it was was a protein bar and a banana. I could have been potato chips or chocolate or even a Little Debbie cake. And that is why I don't keep those things in my home. Now Monday night I had the same craving, and part me justified it, but then I thought about it. If every time I have a craving I satisfy it, it will only get worse. So I put my foot down, and forced myself to sleep. In the morning I was extremely happy I made the right choice. Just the mere fact I took the control back, and Shut the Gut UP!! (Nice tie-in don't you think?)

Dude, I Need to Get a Scale

The first thing you should know about me is that I am tired of being overweight and unhealthy. I am ready for a new start. I recently moved into a new apartment, and have all new things. Why not a new body too? I'm on a new diet where my portions have really shrunk down to a more reasonable size, and I eat less carbs like bread and rice. In addition to that, I have just started the P90X program.

Now let me just start by saying that it's been a couple weeks that I've changed up my diet. Now it was hard at first but I feel better, and I feel like I have more will power than any other time before. I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop, and for me to crash and burn. But I'm trying to fight through that, and to stay positive. And for the most part, I've been pretty positive. Let's just stay that way right? This is all fresh, and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. For years I haven't been happy with my body, there was a sliver of time in my life when I had lost some weight, and felt pretty good about myself, but I had moved away from Louisiana (Where I'm from) to Florida. I was living a very active lifestyle there with very few meals, and usually small portions. Though it was because of brokeness not will power.

Then after moving back home to some of the most delicious, but most fattening foods being cooked daily by my mother I gained some of it back. When I lived away from home during college I maintained my weight. during my last semester I moved home to save on rent and not to get trapped in a lease. But of course I wasn't prepared for all of the food surrounding me. In the pantry, in the fridge, basically everywhere. I'm one of those people that tend to get hungry late at night, and if there if readily available to eat it's really hard not to indulge myself. Your stomach is growling and screaming at you really; it just sucks. So if it's not there taunting you, you're not as hungry. But when you know it's there you can't help yourself but want it. You're trying to sleep, but that's all you can think about. That's why I "Respect the Sanctuary" Which means don't bring junk food into your house. I try not too. At home it's my holy place. Where I only have food I can eat. I don't even bring bread or pasta. I love both, but I know I'll eat it when I'm out the world with other people so when I'm home I eliminate it from my diet. Nothing that I can just grab and eat right away, mostly things I need to cook. I won't cook at midnight. I usually am an impulsive eater. It's not such a thought out thing when I eat when I shouldn't. I don't want to eat, but before I know it I have slice of ham in my hand, and half of it is gone.

Now Let's get to P90X, this is going to kick my ass. But that's a good thing. The first day chest and back, I could barely do a fraction of what they were doing. I feel like I could of pushed through more. But I intend to go all 90 days, and I want to kill it next time. Ab Ripper X was also an experience I was able to keep up more there, well sort of. Certain workouts I'll need to work on, and condition myself. Overall I'm very positive concerning the program. I definitely feel sore in my shoulders, arms, back, and lower abdomen.

Overall I feel a change mentally, and I think that is the key. You have to get your mind right to get your body right. Now yesterday I bought some resistance bands, and push-up bars since I noticed the toll that a large amount of push-ups take on your wrist. And I bought a yoga mat. But no scale. So I know I need one, but I guess the number is not such a big deal to me. I feel like it's more discouraging to know, because face it, in the first week you don't see magic results, and you'll be on that scale every five minutes obsessing. So for now, I'm fine but I need one just to have a reference point. I guess I know about what I weigh. It's something I've always avoided. I already know I'm overweight. I don't need a little machine screaming it at me. But I'll get one.......one day.